How to Use Questions to Deal With Negative Emotions
As someone whose highest purpose is to create a joyful, meaningful life and help others do the same, I’m always looking for ways to become more influential in how we think and feel. Of course, it’s also important to acknowledge that there will be times when we find ourselves having thoughts and/or emotions that are less than enjoyable. The question then becomes what do we do with these thoughts and feelings?
Most people have a tendency to look for data to validate the experience. If they get angry, frustrated, anxious, depressed, etc., they look around for what has caused this reaction. While this is understandable (and it serves the purpose of avoiding blaming ourselves for this negative experience), the tendency to look to the external world for the cause of how we think and feel can also have a negative component. Often, we can’t change the person or situation that we have determined to have caused, or “made us feel” a certain way, and this inability to effect change can trigger more frustration, anxiety, depression, etc., which can trap us in a self-perpetuating cycle. That’s the bad news.
The good news is that we can do something about this if we become skilled at asking ourselves some very purposeful questions when we first notice the negative thought or feeling. Rather than trying to determine who or what “made us” feel this way, we can ask, “Okay, do I want to continue to feel this, and if so, for how long?” The value of this question is that it doesn’t imply that we are wrong for how we are feeling, or that we should change. It just asks what we want.
The truth is that we have the right to think and feel however we want. Unfortunately, this has not been our experience in the past. As children we were often told that we should stop crying, whining, making such a big deal out of the situation, etc., and the meta message here was that our feelings were not valid, and we had no right to feel them. Therefore, as adults, many people tend to look for data to validate their thoughts and feelings but never really decide whether this is a feeling to which they want to hold on.
The question, “Do I want to feel this way and, if so, for how long?” gives the upper 80% of our brain (the neocortex) the opportunity to weigh in on how we create our experience of life. If we find ourselves feeling angry based upon some interaction, we don’t have to stop that feeling, we can just ask ourselves how long we would like to feel this way… a week, a day, a few hours, thirty minutes…?
Can you see how this would help us become more influential in our experience of life? We would become the person who is in charge of what we think and feel rather than needing some person or situation to change before we can feel how we want. Plus, when we decide that we only want to feel this way for the next 15 to 20 minutes (if that long), we can then look forward to the time when we will be able to think about the situation from the clear, confident, and creative part of the brain.
It is possible that some external change is needed, but rather than putting ourselves at the mercy of the situation and “hoping it will change,” (or trying to use our anger, anxiety, or depression to effect change), once we have shifted from that old fight or flight reaction, we will now be in the best position to look at what needs to be done in a way that we would recommend to someone we love.
If this sounds good to you, I suggest that you begin practicing accessing this question when you feel upset… “Do I want to continue to feel this way, and for how long?” Once you have answered that question, you will now be in a powerful position to begin to explore what you truly want to feel, and the life you truly want to create from the clear, confident, and creative part of who you are.
~ All the best, Dr. Bill