QUOTES & WISDOM
from the
TOP OF THE MIND

I’m sure you have heard someone say, “You can’t change the past,” and, of course, this is true in some respects. We can’t change the fact that World War II happened, or that something happened to us. However, as this week’s quote suggests, the past doesn’t exist as some factual movie in our mind, but as an interpretation of some experience based upon many factors. These factors include how we saw ourselves and the world before the experience or after the experience, and how this memory has influenced how we think about ourselves and the world today. For example, let’s take the situation of someone who was bullied as a child. Chances are this person’s perception of themself and the world was negatively affected by these events. As a result, they may have gone into their teens and their early 20’s fearful that there was something wrong with them, or that other’s would also reject them. Because connecting with and being supported by peers is so important at this time of life, the lack of confidence and fear created by their experience of the past could result in their continuing to feel ostracized and exacerbate their lack of self esteem for quite some time. However, if this person wanted to deal with this and change their perception of themselves in the present and future, they could look back and see that the bullies were not people who were skilled at evaluating someone’s worth, but insecure individuals who had to put others down in order to feel good about themselves. They could then change the past by imagining themselves seeing the bully’s behavior as information about the bully, (insecure, troubled) and imagine themselves rejecting any criticism as having no basis in fact, and instead becoming clear about aspects of their personality that would make them a good friend and someone they could be proud of. They could then bring this more purposeful perspective of themselves into the present, and imagine their bringing these positive qualities to their friendships and relationships today and into the future. What’s important here is that I’m not suggesting that we change the bully’s behavior as a way to change the past, but our reaction to it. This is because we don’t want to reinforce the belief that we are made to feel a certain way by what happens to us. Given that we don’t always have control of these external events, we don’t want to tie our peace of mind or perception of ourselves to other’s behavior or past events. Instead, because “the past” only exists as an interpretive experience in our mind, we can change that interpretation (especially as it relates to our response to the situation) which then effects how we see ourselves and the world, today and in the future. And, isn’t this (the ability to effect our experience of life in the present and future) what it’s all about? Therefore, I encourage you to look back and see if there is any aspect of your past that you would like to change… any situation that exists in your mind as something that made you doubt your worth or value. If so, you may want to change that interpretation and create a new movie of you responding and holding on to beliefs that are congruent with what you would teach or recommend to someone you love. By doing this, we can use the past to change our experience of the present and the future.