Listening Just Takes Too Much Time!
As someone who regularly speaks to leaders (and parents), one of the things they tell me is the most frustrating is the behavior of others. They describe others as being stubborn, argumentative, lazy, and/or lacking in accountability and how this behavior triggers their stress, frustration, anger and impatience, and they basically just want to fix the problem by telling others what they are doing wrong.
To their credit, they also realize that this tendency to react to other’s behavior in this way often triggers even more dysfunctional behavior in others, and a cycle of stress and frustration is created and exacerbated. They then want to know how to break the cycle and become more influential with others, which is part of my “Life from the Top of the Mind” system. Of course, because they believe that the dysfunctional person is actually the cause of their stress and frustration, they often want to start by changing them first. While this is understandable, it is rarely effective because this attempt to change them is perceived as criticism, which, of course, only continues to feed the cycle.
Instead, I suggest they start where they have the most influence which, of course, is with themselves. However, rather than simply telling them to “be nice” I tie this ability to bring our best to a conversation to neuroscience, or how the brain processes information. I show them how to shift from the stressed, frustrated brain to the clear, confident, creative brain, and then how to engage others in a way that creates more solution-focused conversations.
However, to pull this off, there first must be a willingness to listen to the others perspective without judgement and without trying to convince them of anything. That’s why I love Brené Brown’s quote from her book, “Dare To Lead,” that says: “Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behavior.” I have added “and parents” to this quote, because I feel that those of us who have taken on the role of raising children also have a tendency to focus on getting them to stop or start certain behaviors versus taking the time to really hear what may be getting in the way of their cooperation.
And, while I understand the concern that this way of engaging others might take too much time, I once again turn to Dr.Brown’s wisdom which speaks to the importance of taking “a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behavior.” In other words, jumping to the point where we try to convince someone to change their behavior will actually take more time because it will drive them deeper into their resistant brain. Plus, it will set up an expectation of future encounters that will have them coming into a conversation with us in a more resistant position.
Therefore, if we wish to be effective leaders and parents, I suggest that we invest in learning the skill of listening with genuine curiosity and empathizing in a way that frees them from the need to defend their emotions or their right to think and feel what they think and feel. Once this is done, we can move to the truly powerful part of influence which is asking solution-focused questions that combine what is important to them with what is important to us.
Obviously, all of this is easier said than done. However, it will be absolutely necessary for those of us who wish to create the type of organizations and families people want to be a part of. The good news is that all of this is learnable, and if you feel that this would be valuable for you, and/or your leadership team, I suggest you contact someone such as myself who has created a science-based system designed to teach it, because, unless you have a lot of time to waste managing ineffective and unproductive behavior, it will behoove you to become skilled at this essential leadership skill.
~ All the best, Dr. Bill