The Best Response To An Insult
I’m sure we have all had the experience of being insulted or criticized by someone, and not known how to respond. If we defended ourselves, they just attacked our defense. If we insulted them for insulting us, we only served to create a negative cycle of reaction that rarely resulted in a satisfactory conclusion.
For those who follow my Life from the Top Mind philosophy, you know that these fight-or-flight tendencies come from the fight-or-flight part of the brain (the lower brain, or brainstem). They are triggered by the middle brain (limbic system) misinterpreting some experience (being insulted) as dangerous, and triggering chemicals (mostly adrenaline and cortisol) which we experience as anxiety, anger, frustration, etc.
Unfortunately, most people think that they are being made to feel bad by the person insulting them, and this is what robs them or their power to respond. I suggest that we disempower the insulter by asking a question that they aren’t expecting. For example, let’s assume someone insults you. They might criticize your weight, or outfit, or even your intelligence in some way. What if, rather than defending yourself or attacking them back, you said something like:
I’m curious, how is that a problem for you?
Can you see how that would temporally confuse them because they really wouldn’t know what to say? Of course, they could recover and say something like: “Well, it isn’t a problem for me but it should be for you,” to which you could respond with:
Wow, I didn’t know my (outfit, weight, etc.) was that important to you. How’s that working for you?
Again, how they respond is not important, because you are controlling the interaction. You are coming from the curious, confident part of the brain (the neocortex, what I call the “Top of the Mind”) and, as a result, are short-circuiting their ability to intimidate through insults or criticism.
If this new way of responding to insults or criticism is appealing to you, I suggest you try it out. Worst-case scenario is that they may continue to be obnoxious. However, now that they know you are only going to respond by asking them a question that they really don’t want to answer, chances are they will stop, at least with you. Not a bad outcome, don’t you think?
~ All the best, Dr. Bill