The Surprising Secret of Influence
As a psychologist, executive coach, and corporate trainer, I have the opportunity to work with a lot of people in leadership positions, and if there is one thing that I’m asked over and over, it’s how to be more influential with others. This is totally understandable in that the job of a leader is to lead, or to engage others in such a way that they hear, understand, and act upon what we are wanting them to know. This is the case with CEO’s, supervisors, managers, and even parents. In fact, I imagine everyone (coworkers, relationship partners, friends, family members, etc.) wants to be more influential in their lives and the lives of others, and therefore, I want to give you my best thoughts on one aspect of this process I think many of us miss. I call it “the surprising secret of influence,” because (a) few people know it, (b) it is somewhat surprising or unexpected. Simply stated, it says, in order to be influential with others, we must have the willingness and ability to be influenced by others.
Let me explain. Many books and methods describe influence as a win/lose proposition and give you techniques on how to win. (the most famous of these, “Winning Through Intimidation” comes to mind). However, what professionals, parents, and people in general are discovering these days is that when someone wins and the other loses, everybody loses. Why? Because the person who lost often feels resentment towards the “winner,” and this can translate into a lack of willingness to be influenced by that person in the future. Plus, they tend to share their resentment with others, and today that means that they can become the “ambassador of doom” and trash you and your organization to thousands with just a click of the mouse.
Therefore, given that our goal today is to create interactions that build mutually beneficial relationships (both in our professional and personal lives), I suggest we become skilled at a type of influence that accomplishes this goal, and this is where the irony of influence comes into play.
When I say that we need to be able to be influenced in order to be influential, I mean that the first thing we must do is be willing to “listen and learn” when interacting with others (truly understand what is important to them and why they believe this to be true) so that when we talk, we are able to combine what’s important to them with what’s important to us.
Of course, this concept isn’t totally new. Steven Covey said, “Seek first to understand and then be understood.” Peter Singe spoke to the value of balancing inquiry with advocacy, and my favorite from Doug Larson, “Wisdom is the reward we get for listening all those times when we would have preferred to talk.”
What this means is that we are more wise after having heard what is important to the person/people with whom we are talking because we have allowed our response to be influenced by what we have learned. And, because we have allowed ourselves to be influenced, whatever we say next has the potential to be more influential.
Therefore, if you find yourself in a conversation where the other person is upset with you or resisting hearing your message, I suggest you switch from the active to the receptive, and allow yourself to be influenced by learning what’s important to them… that you first practice inquiry before going to advocacy, and use the wisdom you receive from understanding to then be understood.
If your goal is to be influential in a way that creates a long-term, positive relationship (versus just winning an argument), then your willingness and ability to be influenced will go a long way towards making this happen.
If you would like me to come and teach your leadership team and/or organization the skills of influence, good decision-making, and the ability to deal with others so that they truly hear and understand what you are wanting them to know, I suggest you contact me. Until we know how to blend what’s important to us with what’s important to them, the only way to be influential with those who disagree with us is to convince them that they are wrong… not a good strategy if your goal is a quality relationship in the future.
~ All the best, Dr. Bill