Given that many people find themselves feeling bad about things that have been done to them in the past, and given that one of my missions on the planet is to help people have more influence in how they feel and the life they want to create, I (and others) have spoken and written often about the value of forgiveness.

While I do believe in this concept when it means letting go of grudges, I have come to the opinion that, sometimes, the word “forgiveness” may be getting in the way of the message. In other words, traditionally, being “forgiven” has meant being given a second chance, or wiping the slate clean. The problem with this perspective is that few people are motivated to let those that have harmed them “off the hook,” so to speak, and, therefore, have defended the value of not forgiving.

While this is understandable, it still results in the person who has been harmed holding on to images of what was done to them which we now know triggers the same stress-related chemicals that compromise our health and happiness. Another of my favorite quotes in this area is: “Holding on to anger and resentment is like grasping a hot coal while blaming our misery on the person who started the fire.”

Of course, the problem here is that the part of the brain that has kept us safe in the past (the limbic system) doesn’t want to forgive, because it is afraid that if we don’t remember the bad things that happened to us, we will let them happen again. In other words, it thinks we must be wary to be safe. However, if that only has us holding on to the pain of the past, what is the alternative?

I suggest that we start by looking at what we want versus what we don’t want. For example, what are the qualities that we value in ourself, and that we value in a friend, life partner, or business partner? Is is integrity, being open-minded, kind, trust-worthy, loving? If so I suggest that we begin to use qualities such as these as the criteria for who we trust… who we are willing to be vulnerable with. I call this our “Highest Purpose," and when we are willing to choose this more purposeful focus, we then can go about the process of creating our life from the most purposeful part of the brain, the neocortex, or what I call the “Top of the Mind.

They say that “forgiveness is for giving.” If that is the case, I suggest that we give ourselves a new way of thinking about ourselves and others that not only keeps us safe, but also gives us clarity with respect to who we are, and who we trust going forward.

What is the criteria you would recommend to someone you love when choosing who to trust?