Most leaders, parents, supervisors, teachers, managers, etc. often speak to their frustration with others who can’t take constructive criticism. They describe how those they are trying to help seem to react by becoming defensive, argumentative, sullen, or downright angry when being told what they are doing wrong, or how they need to improve.

In order to become more effective as leaders, I suggest that we look more closely at the problem, which in this case, means looking more closely at the word “criticism.” The root word here, of course, is critic and/or critical, which the dictionary describes as negative (belittling, biting, condemning, cutting, cynical etc.). Now, I’m sure that we don’t mean it this way. However, when those we are trying to help or teach react negatively to our constructive criticism, I’m guessing that this is how it is being perceived.

Those who follow my “Life from the Top of the Mind” philosophy, know why this is so. The part of our brain that receives data first (the middle brain or limbic system) is hypersensitive to anything negative, and tends to engage the lower brain (the brainstem) and trigger reactions like resentment or defensiveness whenever most people hear anything that is critical.

Therefore, if we are in the position of teaching or helping others improve, I suggest we shift from giving constructive criticism to valuable feedback. The key word here is “valuable,” and is defined not only by what we think is valuable, but more importantly, whether the person we are talking to hears our suggestions on improvement as valuable. This leads us to the question below.

What would you be doing differently if you were making a concerted effort to ensure that what you are saying to others is heard as valuable?